Saturday, December 1, 2007

Blood, Adverbs, and Mind-Shattering Sex

How long do you think two people can reasonably participate in shenanigans (and by that I mean mind-shattering sex sessions on a scheduled bi-weekly basis) with each other without declaring love? Six months? A year? Indefinitely? And what should this arrangement be referred to as in "polite" conversation?
I Know It's Only Rock And Roll, But I Like It

This is a complicated question, simply because modern life is complicated. Two hundred years ago, there would have been only two options - you would be husband and wife, or you would be fornicating sinners doomed to burn forever in everlasting hellfire. A little limiting, to be sure, but at least the terminology was clear.

Now, nomenclature options range from boyfriends and girlfriends to significant others, lovers, fuck buddies, partners, and friends with benefits. To take a lesson from Miss Manners, whose contributions to the field of advice columnizing cannot be ignored by the responsible blogger, these matters are simply not discussed in "polite" conversation. To put it another way, no one needs to know.

When introducing your fellow shenanigans participant to others, "This is Bob" or "This is Jane" ought to be sufficient. If others' curiosity is such that they need more details, suggest that they buy some porn or look through people's windows - there are alternatives for the voyeurs of this world other than talking about your sex life. In impolite conversation, on the other hand, you can refer to the other person by their physical attributes, skill in oral sex, or any other handy nickname-inducing quality you can think of. (Impolite conversation, for the sake of clarity, is any discussion held with close friends or adult store employees, all of whom should be understanding of the situation.)

But that's just the simple part of the answer. How long two people can engage in "mind-shattering sex," IKIORAR, is solely based on how many condoms they can afford to purchase. Love has very little to do with it, unless one of these two people begins to feel unsatisfied without it - and that changes the game. How long you can deal with an arrangement that doesn't make you happy is up to you, and indefinitely sounds like it might be a little long.

However, if you are happy, and your fellow sex fiend is happy, then I suggest you live a little: meet three times a week, and tell anyone who's curious to fuck off.


My roommate Todd cut his foot real bad, and it’s bleeding all over the floor. What should I do? He looks like he could bleed to death or something. Help!
Not A Doctor

The adverb, an extraordinarily versatile part of speech capable of modifying not only verbs but also adjectives and other adverbs, has one convenient distinguishing feature: it typically ends with the suffix -ly. Often enough, an adjective can be converted into an adverb simply by adding this aforementioned handy suffix. For example, "bad" can become "badly" and real "really" with the greatest of ease, and the addition of only four total keystrokes.

However, NAD, you have another problem, which I hope I can address to your satisfaction. The situation in which you find yourself has only two possible outcomes. Todd may indeed bleed to death, in which case you ought to assuage your grief, settle your nerves, and make the upcoming police report and interview with the coroner easier to deal with by going out for a beer.

If Todd's injuries are not in fact fatal, you should immediately celebrate by having a beer - and the fact that there's blood all over your floor suggests that the best way to do this would be by going out.


Friday, November 30, 2007

Butt Pirates, Box Squeezing, and Boobs

A few weeks ago, I met this really cute girl, and I like her a lot. The only thing is, she has this tattoo on her back, right above her ass, that reads "Butt Pirates Beware!" It's got a skull and crossbones at either end, and it stretches all the way across in big block letters. What would make someone do that? Do you think she has issues?
Square Peg Leg in a Round Hole

Do I think she has issues? Well, you tell me - she's indelibly inked a warning to raiders of the high ass seas on her skin.

As for why she did it, I suggest you flip her over, yell "Arrrrr!" and find out for yourself.


How do you play the accordion?
Trying to Squeeze My Box in Georgia

I do not play the accordion, perhaps out of some faint and lingering respect for the sanctity of human life. However, were I to do so, I would do it in the following way.

First, I would select some location suitably far away from inhabited areas, say the North Pole - of Mars. Then, having constructed an underground concrete bunker with walls approximately twenty feet thick, the next step would be to gouge out my own eardrums with ice picks, make a will, and swallow most of a bottle of Vicodin washed down with a pint or two of Jack Daniels. After that, I would proceed with caution.

Or you could simply press the keys and squeeze the damn thing. Look it up.


How big are your boobs?
Just Curious

They are precisely as large as your dick is not: big enough.